Tesla Cybertruck
Just look at this big dumb brick. It’s like a giant stainless steel doorstop. This is what you get when you tell a child with poor motor skills and no artistic ability they have sixty seconds to design a vehicle using a Bic pen and a ruler. It looks futuristic in the same way dildo-shaped rockets looked futuristic in the 1950s.
There’s just nothing appealing about it unless you have an unnatural fixation on basic shapes, random angles, and flat surfaces. The original PlayStation had better graphics thirty years ago.
Apparently, some Cybertruck owners have taken to shooting their own vehicles to demonstrate their durability, with I can totally relate to because I’ve never wanted to shoot a vehicle more than this stupid truck.
I fucking hate it.
Hyundai IONIQ 6
Some of the new Hyundai vehicles are actually pretty decent looking so I was stunned when they dumped the IONIQ 6 on an unsuspecting public. What did we do to deserve this? Was it the CEO’s idea? Was it a prank that went too far? I can almost hear that conversation in my head.
“I want you to create something modern and efficient, but make it as dopey looking as possible. Maybe something shaped like a whale or a manatee.”
~ Hyundai CEO probably
And then he quietly mumbles something to his assistant about the design team knowing he’s just joking, but they don’t.
Jeep Compass
Back in the day, Jeep used to stand for something: Rugged, dependable design, always ready for off-road adventures and long days in the dusty back country. Today it means you spent too much money on something with shitty mileage that will never see a dirt road in its life.
But even worse, somewhere along the way Jeep started spitting out these awful little crossovers with vaguely familiar details from their larger and more capable counterparts. Sure, that grill sort of reminds me of an old Cherokee, but on this runt, it just looks like a kids’ toy playing dress-up in daddy’s ill-fitting clothes.
If this was an actual child, and I saw him getting beat up, I’d pull out my phone and start yelling “World Star”.
So that’s it … My year end roundup of Stupid Cars for 2024. Believe me, there are others out there that are equally deserving of that title, but for whatever reason these three just really piss me off on some deeper, visceral level.
I should probably discuss it with my therapist, but that’s an article for another day.
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